For My Broken Heart
By Todd Beaucoudray
“Lord, the sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark. I guess the world didn’t stop for my broken heart” - Reba McEntire
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalms 30:5).
On October 20th, 1997, at the tender of fifteen, I underwent a surgery on my spine. I had developed Kyphosis (frontward curve) of the spine and it was increasingly getting worse. The procedure was going to be fairly simple by putting rods in my back to prevent the curve from eventually paralyzing me. Unfortunately, I was paralyzed on the operating table that day and have never recovered from much of the damage that was done. The exact reason may never be known. The main doctor was unapologetic, somewhat cocky and covered up his own mistakes. This one defining day in my life would lead to a heart wrenching journey physically, mentally and emotionally.
I had always believed in God to some extent. I would always talk to my maternal grandmother about theology, so much so that sometimes she would tell me to talk about other things. I went to Catholic School for much of my childhood and as a teenager. I was always exposed to the Christian religion regardless of denomination.
One night while lying in a hospital bed, a few days after my botched operation, I prayed to God in a very sincere way and felt His presence surround me. It was so supernatural, I quickly told many about it. But it wouldn’t be for another year after this that I began seeking God fervently. I had to attend rehab and have other surgeries at another hospital so I briefly lost the focus that the supernatural experience may have given me.
In late 1998, for only a God-given reason, out of nowhere it seems I began requesting all the Christian material I could find on the internet. Shortly thereafter, I began attending my maternal grandmother’s UPC (United Pentecostal) Church. At this time, I became extremely zealous in my faith. I was baptized and was “seeking the Holy Ghost.” The UPC church usually centered on fear-inducing sermons and hellfire preaching. The preachers were often very angry, and thus I began to take the same attitude towards others. As a result, I also became very self-righteous and treated others who didn’t believe as I did with complete disdain. I believed all the tenets of my new church very comfortably for a couple years. But I sincerely reached out to God and prayed to be humbled. I desired to be humble for quite sometime. God was about to move in a big way in my life.
A week or two after September 11th, 2001, I was reading in the book of Josephus and discovered a section where he writes about his views of the afterlife and his descriptions of Hell, the fate of unbelievers. Upon reading this section, I was shaken to the core. Actually picturing Hell and people it, began to torment me terribly. I realized for the first time what a disgusting and terrible thing I was believing in. It’s as if scales fell from my eyes and I was no longer blinded to the religious traditions I had embraced. (Keep in mind, I bought this book right after Sept. 11, when many people had just died. Knowing that if Hell was true, most of them were probably being tortured there, was more than I could bear. It was as if the Lord purposely led me to that book at that specific time to begin to shake my world and bring revelation).
I stopped eating and cried for almost a week non-stop. I think my family was very worried about me. During that week, we went to eat at a restaurant and I busted out crying at the table because of all the things going through my mind then. It was the lowest point in my life; and as my dad told me, I had enough on my plate, I didn't have to deal with religious indoctrination. But God was there for me. God was working in me and humbling me to abandon the doctrine of demons.
Often as I laid in bed in emotional turmoil, the Holy Ghost wrapped rings around my body and comforted me. The rings felt almost tangible. My spirit was torn and the people at my church while somewhat sympathetic had only platitudes to offer me. Talking to my pastor did little to comfort me. I offered him rebuttals and got few credible arguments in return. His last argument for the belief in Hell was that the people trembled when Peter spoke to them. I came home and cried. The last time I went to my church, I cried heavily on the pew after the sermon. I was so upset and my grandmother comforted me. But many others in the church thinking I was crying from guilt or some other reason were actually happy upon seeing my tears. They were used to thinking tears were for repentance and fear. They didn’t know the true reason for my sorrow.
I began reading and studying whatever came my way, especially things from the Tentmaker site created by Gary Amirault, who is a wonderful and gentle man of God. I had the web site in my favorites for several months prior to my revelation but never considered it with much thought. (The Lord provided this site to me preparing in advance for my revelation). How unreachable are the ways of God!! He provided a particular book and web site for me knowing what was to come my way. He truly answered my prayers to humble me and did much more with it. Be careful what you pray for!
It’s been several years and I’ve done much studying to show myself approved. I’ve learned facts that are never taught in mainstream churches and have really gained a peace and freedom that only the truth can provide. I left my church and have been much happier ever since. In fact, some of my old church members are awkward around me because they can't believe I'm much more at peace than they seem to be.
I’ve been filled with the love, mercy, compassion and ultimate forgiveness of Jesus Christ. I’ve been so changed that I love and forgive all especially my enemies and in particular the main doctor who botched my operation and yet was so callous about the situation. If my enemies or that doctor stood before the Lord and needed someone to plead their case, I’d be the first to do it. I see all men as little children with innocent faces so desperately seeking affection and validation. I wouldn’t wish or return evil to any man. I pray that all men can find this truth and that it shall make them free.
This testimony is dedicated to the Lord Jesus Christ who’s seen me through it all and nurtured my broken heart.